Taking a deep breath, I begin this post. There has been so much going on in my life since the first of the year, that I don't know where to begin. It seems as though I get things in life lined up, sorted out, organized, and under control, then God will change the plan. I am looking at my blog with a bit of confusion, as I don't know where to take it as of now. It seems as though I am just blogging for myself. However, I have this small feeling that I am to keep it going. So, with that being said, I am trying to decide on what I am going to post about. Many of you who know me, know that my kids/husband are my life. I revolve around them. Many times, I blog about them. It is obvious that I am all about my family. But what does God want me to do with this blog? He really has not told me yet...so while I wait, I am posting about what I think God is currently doing in my life.
When I was growing up, alot of things happened to me that I decided not to deal with in life. After graduation from high school, I was done with those people, never wanted to see them again. Then things in college took place that left gashes in my heart as well. So, I buried them... under layers of dirt and rock. Every once in a while a weed or two would pop up and I would pluck it out, making my little rock garden look pretty and nice again. God and I had an understanding...we just would not deal with those things. They were to stay hidden.
God always seems to have a different plan. He has let me wallow in self pity long enough and you guessed it...those weeds are coming in faster than I can pluck them out. He has told me to take out the rock garden and plant new seed. For the past several months, He has brought several of "those" people back into my life. I have come in contact with more than several people from my past for it to be a coincidence. "Now what do I do?", I asked. "FORGIVE" He said. "Deal with it!" He said. "Let me help you. This stuff has to go. I have many plans for Brian and you and frankly, your past is in my way." All I can say is OUCH! Ok, so since I can't keep these weeds from popping up in rapid fashion, I have no other choice but to deal with it. So, I pulled up my boots, tightened my belt, and grab a hold of the reins. "Ok, God. Now what?" I had no more than uttered those words when God brought a person back into my life from my past that I just did not know what to do with. "What do I do with this, Lord?" "Tell him you are sorry and ask for forgiveness." YIKES...What??? Forgiveness for what??? I had no idea what He wanted me to ask forgiveness for. After all, I was just 14 years old when my path crossed with this person's path. So after doing what He told me to do, I found out that there was a lot of "stuff" ....junk...baggage out there that needed to be cleaned up. I have had a couple of conversations with this person and I am in awe at how much of the old has been removed. He is such a nice person who has alot to deal with. Way more than I ever thought I had. He has many burdens that he is bearing. He is someone I really never knew, because I didn't take the time to get to know him. I was too involved with myself at 14.
So I thought I was finished and decided to crawl back to my own little shell." "We are not finished, my child." UGH!! Have you ever seen a child throw a tantrum when he didn't want to do what you told him too....well I almost went down that road. "Now what? I did what you told me to do" "There is more to get ride of." Then God gave me a list, that I will not share here... man is He ever cleaning house. Ouch..ouch ouch.
I should be upset, mad, embarrased...what ever words come to mind...but I am not. I am truly blessed that my Lord cares enough for me to remove those old scabs off those old wounds and heal me.
I know that this might not be pertinent to your life and you may not even care, but I know that God has been teaching me lessons on opening up myself to become vulneralbe. For those who know me know....THIS SCARES ME TO DEATH. I have spent many many years building up a nice, tall, four walled bunker to keep my feelings safe. Guess what...it doesn't work, I am finding out that I may be able to keep people at an arm's length..but I can't keep God there. He comes in and starts peeling off the wallpaper of my little pit I built.
God has shown me that life is short. It is not about me. It is about continuing the kingdom..
Oh man, I just have so much stuff reeling in my head that I could literally write forever. But I must come to a close as time does not permit me to continue. I hope something I have written in this post has been an encouragement to you. If not, that is ok. Just keep looking up and may God bless you and keep you until next time....